Tame the Beast: How to Deal with Pregnant Women
by masruiiiik
Summary: The hardest part about this whole pregnancy thing, Gintoki decided, would definitely be making sure that Hijikata would keep from smoking. Also, finding a way to placate her as she can no longer stand the smell of mayonnaise without hurling into the Porcelain God. GinHiji. fem!Hijikata.


**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

Here's some Gin x fem!Hiji fluff for you guys! I apologize for the OOC-ness that may be present during certain parts of this fic as well as the bad humour. I will never be able to capture Gintama's true brand of funny, and I feel like I should just stop attempting and failing so badly at it too. Regardless, enjoy and review!****

Tame the Beast: How to Deal with Pregnant Women

Tama had been the one to break the news to them. And in the most unconventional way too. She had apologized as profusely as she was capable of afterwards, and promised to add it to her data for future reference – a load of shit that did, considering the fact that Gintoki had still been left choking on a pitifully lodged chicken bone in his throat while his recently made wife still sat there as pale as Elizabeth's "hide".

It was precisely 10:00 AM when Tama knocked on the Sakata residence door for her daily demand of payment via Otose's orders. Gintoki was proud to say that ever since marrying his lovely Mayora, they had only been late on rent for a _week_ and that was pretty much Oogushi-kun's fault anyways as she had been mad at him for some ridiculous reason and refused to talk to him.

Gintoki slid open the door and regarded Tama blankly.

"Didn't I just pay you guys last week?"

"This is to make up for all the other times you had been late in paying Otose-sama, Gintoki-sama." Tama recited wisely. "It's called 'interest'."

Gintoki sighed and rubbed his head tiredly before trekking to the main room. "Let me talk to the wife." He said over his shoulder as he banged on the closet door in passing, calling out: "Oi! Kagura! Are you still asleep? Lazy brat…"

Tama followed behind after sliding the main door shut, and entered the main room where Hijikata was smoking a cigarette while squeezing a hearty helping of mayonnaise on her bowl of rice. Gintoki plopped down in the seat across from her and began chewing absentmindedly on a charred chicken wing.

"Oi. Why the hell did the Author refer to you as 'Hijikata'? You're married to me now, aren't you? You should be known as 'Sakata' now, shouldn't you?"

"The Author probably realized how confusing it'd be if she called me 'Sakata'. 'Is the Author talking about Gintoki now? Or Hijikata now?'" Hijikata spoke around her cigarette. "Besides, most people know me as 'Hijikata' anyways. It'd be stupid to change my name halfway through the anime."

"This is actually a fanfic, Hijikata-sama," Tama piped up helpfully from her position at the doorway.

"Right. Whatever."

"Gintoki-sama, the money?"

Gintoki spat out the naked chicken bone from his mouth and reached for another one – this one even more charred than the last – before popping it in his mouth. His words came out wet and sluggish. "Oh right. Oogushi-kun, the Old Lady is demanding more money from our modest household again."

"What? But we just paid you last week!" Hijikata rounded on Tama.

"It's interest for all the other times Gintoki-sama skipped out on his rent."

Hijikata glared at her husband who promptly ignored her stare and focused on his blackened meat before sighing in defeat. Turning back to the green haired robot waiting patiently for her reply, Hijikata mumbled, "Can you come back after breakfast?"

"Of course, Hijikata-sama." Turning around the head back out, Tama paused as she was about to enter the corridor and turned back around. "By the way, Hijikata-sama, how is the baby doing?"

Two pairs of eyes blinked at her in confusion, and Hijikata shot a wary look at the perm-headed man before repeating hesitantly, "'The baby'?"

Tama took note of their confusion and tilted her head to the side very slightly. "Maybe I was mistaken." She offered. "I had noticed another life force within your womb precisely a month prior, and I had assumed that Hijikata-sama was with child. Perhaps you had simply eaten some radioactive squid?"

Gintoki suddenly found a small bone lodged in the narrow passage of his throat, and he began clawing helplessly at the column in vain while his eyes watered dangerously. As he reached with a twitching hand across the table for the pitcher of water sitting innocently there, he noticed Hijikata was white from shock and that her cigarette had fallen from her parted lips in shock.

_That's good_, Gintoki supposed even as tears streamed down his face, _smoking is bad for babies_.

-x-

"Congratulations, you're one month pregnant," the good doctor said, shuffling his papers around and looking decisively down at the top of his desk to avoid the horror-stricken looks on the couple's faces.

"Oh God, how did this happen?" Hijikata murmured as she tugged aguishly on the one thick braid hanging over her left shoulder. The doctor paused as he wondered if she truly meant that question. Gintoki's frantic question, however, broke him free of his contemplation.

"Are you sure, Doc?!" The silver-haired samurai demanded as he stood up, slamming his palms on the desk. "Are you sure it's not radioactive squid?"

The doctor looked from the quickly paling woman to the quickly reddening man in quick precision before answering, "Considering you both seem very un-radioactive squid like, I'm quite positive that that's a human baby your wife is carrying in her womb."

"Oh God. Oh God. What am I supposed to do about the Shinsengumi?" Hijikata murmured.

"You're gonna have to quit, at least temporarily," Gintoki replied rationally even as he was mentally mourning that fact that his main source of income would be out of action for at least another eight months.

"Don't tell me what to do," Hijikata snarled angrily.

"Normally I wouldn't care, but you're kinda carrying half of me inside of you right now," Gintoki replied back just as snidely, and Hijikata's eyes flickered just a tiny bit before she quickly regained her composure again. Just to lose it just as quickly as another nightmare of a thought hit her at full speed.

"I'm gonna have to quit smoking…"

Gintoki paused at that for just a moment before he nodded slowly. "I guess having a baby isn't _that_ bad."

"And I'm gonna get fat," Hijikata bemoaned. "_Again_. And after I just lost all the weight too!"

"It doesn't really make that much of a difference to me."

The next thing Gintoki knew after his comment was a sharp ringing from his manhood that caused his fingers and toes to tingle and his hair to stand on an end, and he was falling to the floor facedown as his hands frantically grasped at his sure to be bruised balls. "Nnnnnargh _SHIT_."

Hijikata stomped away after that, muttering darkly about who had to sacrifice everything and something about inconsiderate and unloving husbands. The doctor slid from his comfy chair to squat next to the protagonist of this fanfic, and gave him a pitiful look. He discretely slid a pamphlet across the wooden floor to Gintoki.

Gintoki managed to make out through his blurry eyes the words: "Tame the Beast: How to Deal with Pregnant Women" before he took his gratefully with shaking hands and used it to wipe away his tears and snot.

-x-

By the time Gintoki managed to finally limp back home, a good half an hour had already passed since he saw a glimpse of heaven. Making it back to Odd Jobs, Gintoki ambled awkwardly towards the main room. There he found Kagura sitting on one of the couches, eating what seemed to be their entire stock of rice, while Hijikata was curled up on the opposite couch, a worn looking blue blanket tossed over her head and hiding her face from view.

Gintoki immediately found all his previous anger gone and guilt at his brash words instantly flooded through his veins in replacement.

Kagura immediately looked up when Gintoki entered, and she scowled snobbishly at his very presence. "Hmph," she sniffed, turning up her nose in distaste. "Mother is so disappointed in you. She always raised you to be better than this. But instead you run off and make my Daughter-In-Law upset. Shame on you."

"I don't remember being raised by a rude glutton like you," Gintoki replied instantaneously though it lacked his usual energy. He slid hesitantly on the couch – because he didn't want to upset Hijikata further and also because his balls were still in agony – and slowly wrapped an arm around his wife. When she didn't immediately jerk away and toss his arm off her, he pulled her closer and pressed a kiss on the blanket covering the crown of her head.

The blue material already smelt of nicotine and mayonnaise, two things Gintoki really didn't like, but he found the scent alright if it came from his spitfire partner.

"Hey, I'm sorry, 'kay?" He said as his arm curled snugly around her shoulders. "I didn't mean it. It was just the shock speaking. Kicking my balls gave me a real wakeup call though, but I've got the feeling that something else will never wake up again."

Hijikata snorted and pinched Gintoki's side. He allowed this and pulled off the blanket from her head to press a kiss on her forehead properly.

"Good," she mumbled, and Gintoki took note of the slightly glassy look in her eyes. "Then this mess will never happen again."

He chuckled lightly against the smooth skin of her forehead before pulling away to look at Hijikata fondly. A sudden clearing throat reminded them that Kagura was still in the room, and they looked up to see her surrounded by empty bowls and broken egg shells.

"What's going on, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked curiously. "Why're you acting so lovey-dovey with the Mayora?"

"Because we're married," Gintoki answered smartly and Hijikata scooted a bit further away from him, close enough so their arms still brushed against each other but without his limb circling around her in a warm cocoon.

"Nuh-uh, you never act lovey-dovey Gin-chan. Ever. Sorachi-sensei made it so that you're the most unromantic character in Gintama."

"Well this is a Fanfiction, and Sorachi-sensei isn't writing this so there." At Hijikata's extremely dry look, Gintoki elaborated a bit further. "Also because Oogushi-kun is now my Baby-Mama."

Hijikata punched his square in the jaw and he toppled over precariously. "Why me? Punch the Author! She's the one who made me say it!" He cried indignantly. Hijikata pretended not to hear him.

"Eh?" Kagura blinked in confusion. "What does Gin-chan mean, Mayora? What's a 'Baby-Mama'?"

There was a brief silence as Gintoki sat back up to nurse his tender and sure to be bruising jaw while Hijikata looked studiously at the wall to her right. Finally, however, she turned back to Kagura, not trusting Gintoki to say anything appropriate.

"He means I'm pregnant." At Kagura's silence, Hijikata attempted to delve in a bit more. "It means Gintoki and I are gonna be parents."

There was a longer pause and Hijikata feared Kagura wouldn't take the news well. However, a body soon flew from across the table and landed heavily between her and Gintoki, and soon arms were wrapped gleefully around her neck while her legs began pounding furiously on Gintoki's lap regardless of his cries of pain. Eggshells flew everywhere and Gintoki also began groaning as the small pieces got all over his hair.

"I'm gonna be a Grandma!" Kagura squealed and began shaking her 'Daughter-In-Law'. Hijikata feared for her neck. "I can do grandmotherly stuff like spoiling them and talking bad about their dad to them!"

Gintoki groaned. "Please don't."

"And I can also teach my Grandbabies how to love sukonbu—"

"Oi…Kagura…"

"—and I'll definitely teach them to not be a MADAO like your useless husband—"

"_NO! KAGURA! STOP!_" Gintoki screeched as Kagura's thumping feet landed alarmingly near his crotch. "It's one thing to be kicked in the balls by Oogushi-kun, but if you kick me there with your ridiculous strength, my balls are gonna fall off! Just like during the Onmyoji arc! No no no! What the hell does the Author have against Gin-san's balls? When has Gin-san's balls ever offended you, Author?!"

"Your balls were plenty offensive during the Onmyoji arc! I didn't wanna see balls flashing across the screen!" Hijikata snarled.

"Kin-chan's balls are always offensive," Kagura piped up, her arms still ensnared around the older woman's neck, "there's bacteria swarming all over that thing."

"Don't call me 'Kin-chan'," Gintoki muttered, attempting to push Kagura's feet off his thighs. "Besides, Oogushi-kun never seemed to find anything wrong with my manly, bacteria-ridden balls before."

He had already placed his hands over his precious loins, anticipating Hijikata's oncoming attacks.

He wasn't disappointed.

-x-

_When you wife is hurling in the toilet bowl in the early hours of the morning, do your best to console her. Follow her every demand as she's releasing all types of things into the Porcelain God, and take every insult she throws at you with a sincere apology. Do NOT talk back as your wife is suffering. After all, she's carrying YOUR child, and for the next nine months (if she isn't already) she'll be wearing the pants in your relationship. You'll be nothing more than a welcome mat for her to wipe her feet on._

-x-

Gintoki woke up to the sound of rustling sheets and low panting. The thumping noises made by footfalls rushing out of the room seemed much too loud for the silver-haired samurai's disoriented and sleep-laden mind, and he just groaned before thrusting the warm sheets over his head again. It took him a moment to realize that Hijikata was no longer seeping into his side and that the only thing that signified her previous presence was the still warm sheets. Gintoki stumbled up clumsily and took note of the sun that had just broke the horizon (_way_ too early in his humble opinion) and followed after his wife.

He found her hurling last night's dinner into the bowl and his nose crinkled a bit at the smell.

"Oi," he called once the noises took a brief pause. He walked into the room and rubbed her back in calming circles. "Did you drink too much last night or something? You're carrying a baby now and Gin-san's pretty sure babies and alcohol don't mix."

Hijikata swiped halfheartedly at Gintoki before slumping against the toilet in exhaustion. She was rather pale and had beads of sweat dotting her eyebrows. "Shut up and go read a book on pregnancy, you dumbass. I wasn't out drinking last night...I was with _you_!" She took on a green countenance and began dry heaving over the bowl again.

"No need to deny it, Oogushi-kun," Gintoki continued rubbing her heated back, "but next time invite Gin-san too, alright? He'll get jealous."

Hijikata finally pulled herself up and ambled to the sink. She rinsed her mouth and brushed her teeth before answering Gintoki dryly. "No. It's morning sickness. Pregnant women get it and they hurl up every morning. So thanks for nothing you useless sack of shit.

Gintoki's face remained lax even at Hijikata's biting retorts. He brushed them away with practiced ease before saying blankly, "So you're gonna be vomiting every morning."

"If I get so lucky."

"…what?"

"You really _don't _know anything," Hijikata clucked her tongue but it lacked her usual bite. "They call in 'morning sickness' but you can honestly start hurling any time."

"So you're gonna be vomiting every day." Gintoki amended blankly.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Well forget gaining weight!" The perm-head exclaimed. "You're gonna be losing weight! That can't be healthy!"

"Healthy or not, it happens." Hijikata muttered and pushed past Gintoki to walk back to their bedroom. She slid back into the futon and snuggled deep within its covers. Her muffled voice came out, "I'm gonna go back to sleep now. Don't disturb me."

Gintoki went to the kitchen and began making an elaborate breakfast. He made sure to cover everything in mayonnaise.

Who knew that Hijikata would begin hurling again at her favourite condiment.

-x-

Everyone's reaction to the news had varied and fluctuated from happiness and excitement (for various reasons) to horror (for the unborn child).

Shinpachi stuttered a bit as he fumbled with his glasses. He finally said with a red pigment tinting his face, "Well that's what married couples do! Haha…" while Otae's had been a simple, "Oh my! Congratulations! Hopefully your baby won't inherit your idiotic looks, Gin-san."

Hijikata ended up stressed that day as thoughts of another smaller and chibified version of Gintoki ran amiss in her head. She had gone to bed shivering and cursing that night.

Kondo's had been a loud exclaim of, "Oh Toshi! My baby is growing up! Now my baby has another baby inside of her!" while Okita then slid open the shoji doors, successfully interrupting the Commander and Vice-Commander's discussion with a monotonously gleeful, "If all it took for Hijikata-san to quit the Shinsengumi was pregnancy, I hope Danna never goes limp."

Hijikata went home that day feeling frazzled and high strung with a desperate need for a cigarette. She had woken up in the middle of the night that day, screaming something about "Fucking Sougo taking over the Shinsengumi! Like I'd let you, you bastard!"

Sacchan had found out by listening to other people's conversations. Sometime during the hectic week, Gintoki had thrown his bokuto at the ceiling with deathly precision. The purple haired ninja fell down and crumpled upon their floor in an undignified heap, all the while yelling: "I can accept the marriage! BUT YOU CAN'T BE PREGNANT. GIN-SAN'S SEMEN BELONGS TO ME!" Gintoki had thrown her out and slammed the door shut before she even hit the ground.

That night Hijikata didn't even attempt to sleep. Gintoki was too tired to try.

-x-

_During pregnancy, a woman's breasts become very sensitive. Do keep this in mind._

-x-

"Mmm…" Hijikata hummed appreciatively as Gintoki lavished her face with kisses. Finally stopping at her lips, he pressed a warm, open-mouthed kiss there and chuckled in affectionate amusement. Hijikata couldn't help the upward lilt of her lips as she felt more than heart her husband's laughter, causing vibrations to echo around her moist cavern and making her fingertips and toes tingle in a warm glow.

Gintoki allowed his hands to trace the curve of Hijikata's hip and he began littering kisses down her body, relishing in the soft warmth she emanated. Pausing at her stomach, he pressed his lips to her bellybutton and blew a raspberry, being sure that it was extra loud and extra wet. Relishing in the soft shake of laughter that Hijikata let loose, he humbly accepted the light punch to the top of his head as the Mayora chided lightly, "Don't do that, idiot."

Taking the fist now simply laying on his head, he kissed the palm, marveling over the fact that he never seemed to tire of playing with his wife's calloused fingers. As she was blushing ever so cutely at Gintoki's deeply, deeply, _deeply_ hidden romantic side, he took this distraction to press fingertips against her warm folds. The reaction was instantaneous as Hijikata tossed her head back and moaned loudly. Gintoki smirked and pressed a finger within her, slyly wiggling around to see which area causes a greater reaction from his Oogushi-kun.

"Look how wet you already are, Toushirou," Gintoki murmured, taking out a finger and brushing the soaked finger against her bottom lip. She instinctively licked the digit and blushed immediately afterwards. Grinning deviously, Gintoki mockingly asked, "Excited, are we?"

"It's just the hormones," she managed to stutter out before a gasp broke free from her lips. Gintoki pressed the head of his cock more firmly against her pulsating folds, relishing in the wet warmth they provided.

"Hormones…?" He prodded mischievously, but Hijikata wanted no part in this game and simply jerked upwards and wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Just hurry up! Idiot!"

He pressed fully into her, and watched almost reverently when she began thrashing beneath him, her face a blessed red colour and mewls spilling from her lips in an animalistic conversation. Not waiting for another second, he began rocking into her, back and forth and she just grasped his back desperately, leaving a trail of angry red marks on the pale skin. He smiled as he noticed her toes curling just a tiny bit, and turned back towards her to see her small but perky and perfectly round breast bouncing at the impact of his body pounding into hers.

Reaching out, he fondled the left one, squeezing deeply while pinching her dusky nipple. She instantly let out the loudest moan he had ever heard her let out, and they both paused. She looked just as shocked as he did, mortification clouding over her face, and before he even knew it, she had pushed him off her.

Sadly though, his dick had still been nestled comfortably inside of her, and the sudden movement almost caused his dick to be ripped off. He howled in agony as Hijikata jumped up and pulled on his blue and white yukata and dashed out of the room.

Shinpachi, who had been sadly sitting in the living room, listening as Gintoki and Hijikata had been getting their sexy time on, jumped up in surprise when Hijikata burst out from the room, red as a tomato with her arms covering her fully covered chest and dashed to the bathroom.

"Gin-san?" Shinpachi called out hesitantly as he heard soft and muffled whimpers coming from the bedroom.

It took much prodding to find out what happened, and when he did, he really wished he didn't as the Good Ol' Four Eyed Virgin Pervert Boy was no longer able to look at Hijikata properly.

He may be a Good Ol' Four Eyed Virgin. But Shinpachi was also a Pervert.

-x-

_Pregnant women are going to be very emotionally unstable. It's your duty as her husband and the man who knocked her up, to treat her delicately and soothe her worries should they appear._

-x-

Hijikata was very pregnant at this point. She sniffled as she stuffed another full box of Pocky in her mouth in one go. Her eyes watered as she pushed a spoonful of relish in her mouth and sprayed a can of whip cream into her awaiting cavern.

It was midnight at this point, and Kagura was already asleep. Hijikata however, was eating the most ridiculous combinations of food at hand while sitting on the couch, sobbing over a fitness video. It was nearly half an hour later that the front door slid open and Gintoki walked inside with silenced footfalls. He stopped short though, when he noticed Hijikata sitting curled up on the couch to the far right, surrounded by multitudes of coloured wrappers and metal cans that glinted in the light made by the television screen.

"Oogushi-kun? What's wrong?"

"Where were you?" She snapped back, and his eyes widened when her voice caught and cracked at certain syllables.

"I told you I was going out with Hasegawa-san, remember?" He ventured hesitantly as he slid onto the couch next to his very hormonal wife.

"You don't like me anymore." Was her resolute reply and he looked at her blankly before rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"Why would you even say that, Oogushi-kun?"

"You decided to hang out with a total MADAO on a Friday evening instead of your own wife!"

"He has no one else!" Gintoki frantically defended himself, shuddering at the thought of Hijikata imagining him with MADAO in various suggestive positions or something. Gross. "I'm his only friend! Without Gin-san, he has no one else to turn to. Except for that other MADAO who walks around wearing underwear…" Looking around the room, he tried to find another topic to talk about. "So you're watching fitness videos?"

"I knew it!" Hijikata proclaimed, accidentally knocking over an open can of coke sitting next to her. "You don't like me anymore cuz I'm fat again! You're gonna leave me with this child and I won't even be able to lie to him about who his father is cuz he's gonna look just like you! You're such a bastard! How can you leave me?"

Gintoki's face morphed from confusion to understanding, and he blinked blearily before sighing. Moving just a tad bit closer to the emotional woman, he wrapped a strong arm over her smaller frame and pulled her close to him. His heart was beating in a sure and steady pace, and he hoped that she could hear it. That she could sense his conviction. If there was one thing Gintoki did properly, he liked to believe that he loved Hijikata properly – and he hoped she knew it too.

"You remember the second scene in this fanfic?" Gintoki began lowly, and his hand rubbed soothing circles on her shoulder. "Where you were _already_ stressed about gaining weight, and I said it doesn't make a difference to me, and you took it the wrong way and sacked me straight in the balls? Well, I meant what I said. And not how you think I meant it. I didn't mean that you were fat then, and I really don't care if you're fat now. I fell in love with Hijikata Toushirou, because you've got a strong, beautiful soul. Your body's just a bonus package… a beautiful package but a bonus nonetheless." She stopped struggling against him and he chuckled before turning her to face him. Her face was red, and it was such an endearing sight his stomach flopped over a bit.

"You're always going to look beautiful to me," he continued, stroking both her arms in teasingly light caresses, "because your beautiful soul always somehow manages to shine through like some kind of beacon. So don't worry about stupid stuff like how you look again."

She loosened up, and he leaned down to peck that smile he loved so much. His stomach flip-flopped again, and the next thing he knew, he was running to the bathroom with bile crawling up his throat, all the while cursing the fact that he shouldn't have drunk anything the stupid, useless MADAO had to offer.

Hijikata rolled her eyes as the mood was quickly destroyed. Stroking her huge belly with a vague smile, and lumbered towards the kitchen to fetch a glass of water for her moron-of-a-husband.

-x-

_If you're right handed, I suggest you offer your left hand for your wife to clutch on during labour. And remember, whatever she spews at you during this time is just the pain speaking._

-x-

Kagura had been left in charge of Hijikata as Gintoki and Shinpachi had a job to do. As the date of the child's birth drew nearer, Gintoki made sure that Hijikata was never alone. Hijikata, however, was sure she'd be much safer alone than in the Yato alien's care.

She had been ruffling through the fridge for something salty to chew on when she felt a strange liquid pool from between her legs and trail down her inner thighs. Ripping open the middle of her yukata, Hijikata paled significantly as she realized what the hell was going on.

"KAGURA!" She screeched as she clutched her stomach and ambled to the living. "Gah! _KAGURA!_"

Kagura looked up lazily from where she had been laying stomach first on the couch, munching on a sukonbu. "Eh? What is it, Mayora?"

"The baby!" Hijikata gasped as a sudden but very light pressure thrummed in her stomach area. Breathing slowly, she snapped, "The baby's coming! Hurry, get me to the hospital. No wait! Get my bag from the bedroom first then get me to the hospital!"

Kagura blinked slowly before popping up. "I'm gonna be a Grandma today?!" She cried around the sukonbu in her mouth, and Hijikata.

"If you don't get me to the hospital soon, _no_."

Ten seconds later, Kagura slammed open the front door while holding the crook of Hijikata's arm. Sadaharu jumped from the balcony straight to the ground below. Reaching the big alien dog, Kagura threw Hijikata's night bag onto the fluffy white fur and gestured for Hijikata to get on. Checking out the ride, the Demon Vice-Commander paled.

"No…can't we call for a taxi or something?"

Kagura clucked her tongue, and before Hijikata knew what was going on, she was thrown onto the back of the big animal with Kagura sitting in front of her.

"Nuh-uh, Mayora. Sadaharu's way faster than any old taxi." Kagura beamed proudly. "Now hold onto me, okay?"

Otose poked her head out of her shop when Hijikata's scream of terror shook the entire neighbourhood.

"Huh? Kagura?! What's going on?!"

The last thing Otose heard was Kagura's chipper, "TELL GIN-CHAN TO MEET US AT THE HOSPITAL. THE MAYORA'S DRIPPING WET NOW!"

Half an hour later, Gintoki burst into the hospital with Shinpachi hot on his trail. Running frantically to the room he had been told by the nurse at the front, the two Odd Job members rushed through the wing set up for delivery and immediately noticed a group crowding around one particular door.

The first one to notice them was Kondo.

"You're late!" He boomed in his gorilla-like fashion. "You should be in there, supporting her! Don't you know that to women, giving birth is like pulling a watermelon out of your nostril?"

Otae pinched his nose and twisted it just as Gintoki yelled, "Oi! I originally said that line in the anime – don't try to take credit for something that isn't even originally yours!"

"Sowwy," Kondo rumbled as Otae continued twisting his nose.

She turned towards Gintoki with a kind smile, "Hijikata-san and Kagura arrived a good twenty minutes ago. I suggest you enter quickly lest she punishes you (like you deserve to be punished)."

Gintoki nodded and shared a look with Shinpachi. The younger male shot him an encouraging look and Gintoki smiled slightly before pushing the door open to enter. He noticed Okita sitting on one of the seats outside with his sleep mask over his eyes but refrained from commenting.

Inside the room, Hijikata was already screaming and cursing while Kagura flittered here and there, looking curiously at everything. The doctor was the first to notice him and he gave out a relieved huff of air.

"Thank Buddha you're here!" The good doctor cried. "Your wife refuses to push until you've arrived!"

"Well, I'm here now," Gintoki replied simply, and stuck out his right hand for Hijikata (who was glaring darkly at him) to take. The doctor interrupted them before Hijikata to grasp the appendage though.

"Are you right handed?"

"…yes?"

"Then I suggest you give her your left hand instead."

"Why?" Gintoki questioned even as he offered his less dominant hand to his wife. She immediately clutched onto it and the silver-haired man instantly felt bones splintering underneath her strength.

"That's why." The doctor said before talking with the two nurses in the room quickly.

"Kagura," Gintoki gasped and turned his head to face his ward. "Get outta here. You don't need to see this."

"Nuh-uh," Kagura's cheeks puffed out and she glared at Gintoki. "I'm staying. I'm family after all."

"Are kids even allowed in here?" Gintoki demanded but the doctor studiously ignored him, not wanting to be at the receiving end of a Yato's wrath. Seeing that he wouldn't get an answer, he turned back to Kagura. "It's going to get really bloody and you really shouldn't see this."

"I'm. Staying!"

"Just let her stay!" Gintoki and Kagura both turned to stare at Hijikata who was panting and glaring at both of them with pure anger and annoyance in her eyes. Sweat began beading on her brow, and Gintoki took the sleeve of his yukata to wipe it away. "Then once she sees how painful this is, she'll save herself from ever getting knocked up and having to go into labour!"

"My mama says being able to squeeze a baby from your body without sweating and crying over the pain is what turns a girl into a woman." Kagura stated. Hijikata just closed her eyes and began counting from one to ten.

"The more I hear about your mother, the more convinced I am that she led a horrible life," Gintoki muttered.

"Alright!" The doctor interrupted their happy family time. "Are you ready to get started?"

"JUST GET THIS THING OUTTA ME!"

The nurses worked quickly, one applied the anesthetic to Hijikata while the other began sorting out the tools that may be needed during the procedure. The doctor pulled on his gloves and mask and braced himself (because he had a feeling he'd need it).

Ten minutes later, Gintoki realized that the pain his hand suffered from before was just a mere prologue for the pain he was experiencing now. Of course, his pain couldn't possibly be as bad as Hijikata's, but damn was it cutting pretty close. And it was altogether a completely different pain from the usual sword cuts and bullet wounds. It was as if Hijikata was attempting to extract his soul from his left hand.

Leftie may forever be disfigured, Gintoki realized with a solemn nod, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

"Alright, I see the head!" The doctor exclaimed and Hijikata snarled. "One more push and we're done."

Hijikata squeezed her eyes shut and pushed as hard as she could, her teeth gritted together and a growl leaving her lips, but nothing more than that. Kagura continued watching the scene in barely concealed excitement, not looking the least bit fazed at the noises or the sights (such as Gintoki's definitely mangled hand).

"It's a boy!" The doctor suddenly cried out, and the two nurses chattered happily. Gintoki's head popped up in surprise.

"Wait, what?"

"It's a boy?"

"Why isn't the baby crying?" Gintoki asked, aghast, as Hijikata fell lifelessly against the pillows situated behind her sweaty form. "Is there something wrong with him? He's not deformed, is he? He's not a radioactive squid, is he?"

"No, no, none of the above," the doctor assured the man hastily as he cut the umbilical cord and handed the bloody baby to the nurse to clean it off. "He's just a…quiet baby?"

"Good," Gintoki nodded before pressing a kiss of Hijikata's sweat-soaked forehead. Hijikata offered a quiet smile before rubbing her fingers on his mashed-up knuckles.

"Sorry 'bout that." She said half-heartedly.

"It's no big deal. It's just Leftie."

Hijikata chuckled and Kagura immediately jumped onto Gintoki's back and latched onto him like a koala as Shinpachi cautiously entered the room at one of the nurse's insistence: "But only one or two people at a time!"

"I'm a Grandmama! I'm a Grandmama!" Kagura cried gleefully as she beamed down at the two exhausted looking adults. "Good job Mayora!" Hijikata rolled her eyes and Shinpachi joined the trio just as the nurse came back with a freshly cleaned a wrapped up baby boy.

"It's a boy," Kagura hissed at Shinpachi, and the boy fished out five sukonbus and handed them sullenly to the excited girl.

The nurse handed the baby to Hijikata who eagerly lifted her arms up to receive the bundle. Looking down, the four noticed that the baby looked like the exact replica of Gintoki. Except smaller, a bit balder and clearly overweight. Hijikata groaned at the sight and shook her long tousled hair around. "No wonder he wasn't crying. Like father like son. He was probably too lazy to open his big pie-hole to cry like a normal newborn."

"Oh shut up," Gintoki said somewhat amused as he reached for his son. "And hand him over to Daddy." Shinpachi and Kagura looked eagerly over his shoulder to coo at the child. Hijikata rolled her eyes as the nurse turned towards her.

"No what would you like to name your son?"

"Togoro." Hijikata immediately replied, and Gintoki's head snapped up.

"What? _No_!" Gintoki yelped. "We are _not_ naming our son Togoro!"

"You're right," Hijikata nodded sagely before turning back to the nurse. "Kintoki will do."

"No! No no no!" Gintoki frantically shook his head in the nurse's general direction. "Togoro! Togoro is an amazing name! Our son's name is now Sakata Togoro! I'm lovin' it!"

Hijikata smirked triumphantly as the nurse quickly scribbled down the baby's name, gender, time and day of birth, and other such details. Gintoki just sighed in defeat before bringing his adorable baby boy close to his face. A sudden sniff later, he pulled back in horror and asked, "Why the hell does Togoro smell like cigarette smokes?" Shinpachi and Kagura leaned in and sniffed at the babe too, before pulling back and agreeing with their boss.

"He does," Shinpachi offered meekly at Hijikata.

"What? No way. There's no way Togoro smells like cigarette smoke. Why would he even smell like cigarette smoke? Are you saying my son is a ten-minute old smoker?!"

"It's probably your fault, woman!" Gintoki snarled in her face, and surprisingly, Togoro didn't even look phased or disturbed. Instead, he just continued to nestle in his father's arms. "You were smoking for a whole month while you were pregnant with Togoro before realizing you were pregnant!"

"That doesn't even make sense, retard!" Hijikata snapped back. "Besides, he's probably overweight because of all the sugar you consume!"

"Are you kidding me? If anything, our son is obese because you've been eating nothing but banana cream pie for the past month! How would it even work if it was my fault? Are you saying instead of shooting semen into you I shot sugar?!"

"Damn straight I do!" Hijikata reached for Togoro. "Give me back my baby! I refuse to let a barbarian like you raise him."

"Don't you dare! I'm gonna go home and give Togoro a good chocolate bath to wash off the disgusting smell of nicotine off him. GIN-SAN WON'T ALLOW HIS SON TO BE A DRUGGIE."

"_Your_ son? I'm the one who had to push his fat head out of my vagina. I ain't letting you take him anywhere without my supervision."

Shinpachi sighed and massaged his temple while Kagura was munched on her sukonbu. Fishing out a camera he had bought just for this 'happy moment', Shinpachi snapped a picture, saying with deep exasperation, "Welcome to the family, Togoro."

-x-

Three months later, Shinpachi was cleaning the Odd Job's home while Gintoki and Kagura had left for some sort of "Free Cake Sampling, Pachi-boy!" and Hijikata was taking an afternoon nap with Togoro in the bedroom. Wiping off the dust that had accumulated in a thin layer over Gintoki's desk, Shinpachi smiled at the two picture frames seated proudly upon the wooden surface. One was of the three Odd Job members while the other was the picture taken the day Togoro was born. Hijikata's face was matted with sweat, and she and her husband's faces were pressed near each other's. Both were red-faced and furious looks graced both their countenance. Togoro had been nestled safely between the two, and Shinpachi chuckled at the ridiculousness of his family.

As he pulled open some of the drawers to wipe the dust there, he saw a crumbled up, colourful looking paper. Unfolding it, he found it stained with what looked like tears and…snot (?). Looking at the title, he chuckled.

"If Gin-san only read this properly," Shinpachi muttered to himself, "then it would have saved him a load of trouble."

Deeming it now useless, Shinpachi tossed the crumbled pamphlet that read '_Tame the Beast: How to Deal with Pregnant Women_' into the trash just as Togoro began wailing again.

All in all, life was decent enough.

**end.**


End file.
